I feel it. I feel the pressure. It’s not uncommon or original. It comes from this innate sense of what defines a woman, this internal need to be needed and wanted in every aspect of my life, to be admired and possibly even envied in everything that I do.
Women today, at least the ones in my life, have this drive to have beautiful, pristine homes that we could drop in at a moment’s notice and never find a pillow out of place. We make recipes with ease and create new and exciting concoctions in the kitchen to delight our family. We are working women, expected to succeed in our field of work, whether CEO of our own company, a teacher, a nurse, an admin assistant, all jobs that are expected to run perfectly under our control. We are also mothers, expected not only to care for our little ones at home, but be available to them at all times, in spite of job duties. On top of that, our kids must excel, as it is a reflection of our home tutelage. They must grow into respectable adults with engaging and successful careers and marriages. Then, there is the church and community involvement. Just showing up to a PTA meeting and making sure the kids have their bibles for Bible Class is unheard of now. Now, these women are on the board of several different groups, hosting small groups or book clubs, involved in anything that is asked of them, as well as making sure that sewing and baking talents are put to use during Christmas or other holidays with appropriate gifts for friends, kid’s teachers, or any other people that share a part of their life. They are also expected to remain in close knit ties with all family members, leaving no one out into the cold, holding on to ever-lasting traditions and respecting everyone’s wishes. Last, but certainly not least, is the wife role. A sex symbol as well as the manager of the household, women are understood to be pleasing in bed as well as with the checkbook. Bargain hunting and exercise are fitted into the gaps as these women live their lives, with not an ounce of exhaustion or a hair out of place.
But that’s not just what I see or what I feel. On top of all these checklists, I see women when they don’t live up to these impossible standards make sarcastic comments about not having to be perfect, pointing out the small things that they want us to see as imperfections. These things may be dust on a top shelf, not vacuuming the guest room or burning a soufflé that one time. These are simple imperfections that women use to seem human, but in reality, they do not want to be human. They confide that they do feel overwhelmed, if only for a moment, but in reality, they want to show the world that it can be done, and they are the ones to do it. I am so very guilty of this. I want to attain all the perfections that I see in others without all the faults. I want to balance each aspect of life with a flick of my wrist or a twitch of my nose. I want my husband to come home every night with a big smile and open arms. I want all the happy pictures to depict every second of my life.
But honestly, it is not this way. My husband and I fight. There are times when the house is in shambles (especially in this move). I have a supportive husband who will eat my cooking mistakes and ask for seconds (and I have never made a soufflé). And work is more often than not overwhelming and I always seem unfocused on my tasks. Oh, and my hair is always out of place. And yet, I still have this drive to become this Christian version of a Stepford wife, always seeming perfect but never admitting so.
I know that God doesn’t want me to live this way, constantly on the go and feeling guilty when I don’t accomplish all the things I think I should in a day. Something that I am learning (and re-learning daily) is that all these things, this rat race of sorts, isn’t the main goal of my life. Showing people that I can do all these things doesn’t help in my relationship with God or my relationship with others. If I get tangled in all these accomplishments and goals, I lose focus on the opportunities God presents to me daily and instead focus on my own selfishness. Instead of finding my value and security in God, I find it in myself, my walls and my masks, all of which will let me down someday, perhaps even today.
So why do I continue to do it? Perhaps part of the reason is that I hear people talk about “this girl” or “that girl” who isn’t as quite involved or doesn’t seem to have things together. I hear about people who are constantly struggling and pitied because of those struggles. I don’t want to be pitied or receive condescending behavior. I don’t want to be left out of the crowd or see disappointment in someone’s eyes. I don’t want these things, however, Jesus received them over and over again. Pharisees, Rabbis, even his own family pitied him and condescendingly spoke to him. People thought he was a lunatic who didn’t follow the norms of society, even church society. Yet these did not faze him because his focus was aimed higher than these worldly expectations.
I know that I need to peel back these layers of insecurity. I will be honest in saying that it’s hard, and I will not readily admit to any “real” sins or imperfections any time soon, but I am ready to reveal that I am imperfect. I’m tired of holding this overwhelming weight of fear of exposure to who I really am, yet I still hate it when people point out my faults. Even though I have frustrations, I’m starting to be ok at the end of the day if I don’t meet up to my own silly expectations or the expectations of others because I am reminded that this world is not my goal, my goal is heaven, I am not my own protector, but my protection is from Christ and my admiration is a constant stream not from those around me but from God, not because of what I do but because He admires His perfect work in me.
This is only a first step for me. I know this is more of the same, but it bears repeating. And just to admit a problem is really big and taking lots of courage, even for this slight transparency. But I want to do it because I want to be real for God and to others. That is all.
What I learned over my summer "vacation".
As the summer is coming to an end, I look back on the experiment that I started in June. I learned that in most situations, saying less is really worth more. I learned that I can't control other people's behaviors, perceptions, thoughts or reactions, no matter how much I think it would be better for them and for our relationship. I learned that I don't need to try to live up to anyone else's standards of what it means to be a woman, wife, friend, or human being. I learned that the only label I truly have is that of the child of God. I learned that I need to place my value and security in the name of God and nothing else. I learned not to make assumptions about other people, placing labels on them, and realizing that most of the time, they are simply trying to connect.
I learned all these things, some of which weren't originated necessarily from this summer. I think the biggest lesson of all, though, is just because I know this stuff, it doesn't mean that my life is going to get easier. In fact, sometimes it is even more frustrating because I know in my head that I should act one way, but I do the total opposite. In Romans 7:22-23 it says, "For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." What he wanted to do (the good), he didn’t' do, and what he didn't want to do (sin), he ended up doing.
I guess if an amazing man like Paul can mess up and still be a child of God, I suppose there is hope for me yet. It's kinda like when I was in gymnastics as a child. I wanted to do a cartwheel. I knew the mechanics of doing the cartwheel. And yet, the only way I was going to be able to do a cartwheel was to practice, mess up, practice more, mess up more, maybe get it right a couple times, until finally I am able to repeat the process easily. And then, I would have to continue doing cartwheels, or the art would be lost.
In the same way, when I come up to a situation that I struggle with, I may not always make the right choices, but I am continually learning. I know that God will give me plenty of practice with each of my faults, until maybe one day, I might overcome one of them by relying on Him and not my own strength or control. I think at the beginning of the summer, I wanted to fix everything at once that I didn't like about me. But no one steps onto the floor mat and does an Olympic routine perfectly their first day of gymnastics! In the same way, I shouldn't be so hard on myself to be perfect, even when I know what perfection is through Jesus Christ. All God asks me to do is keep trying, not give up, not guilt up, and keep running towards the prize of an everlasting life with Him.
Prove it!
For a long time, I thought I was a people pleaser. I thought that my motivation behind being a people pleaser was the fear of disappointment. Now, I realize that it’s not necessarily disappointment, but defeat that I really feared. I have been constantly trying to prove the things that I am, that I want to be, that I don’t want to be, and that I am not.
There have been many things about me that I tried to prove to other people – whether that I am trustworthy, independent, organized, intelligent. Every time I got a compliment or affirmation I thought I was on the right track. Every time I got criticized or ignored, I thought I was going the wrong way. Basically, I allowed other people to determine my actions, words, even likes and dislikes. I allowed what they thought, or even what I assumed they thought, about me to guide me. The harder it was to prove who I am to them, the more I wanted to prove it.
The truth is that trying to prove myself to others is like spinning wheels in dirt – you don’t get anywhere and you look foolish. People can be swayed by your actions and words to think certain things about you, however you have no control as to what those thoughts may be. Even if you think you are being perfectly clear and honest about yourself, the person can still make the decision to simply not believe what you are trying to convey.
One reason for this is that people use different measuring sticks to define what they believe is a characteristic in a person. Some people think an intelligent person is someone with a degree, while others believe more in common sense that’s displayed by that person in everyday life. How a person sees you is based on what they have been taught, whether by a person, something they have read, or an experience. Ultimately, there is no way to try to convince someone that you “measure up” to a specific attribute, when you have no idea what they are looking for in the first place.
Another reason may be that the person has already decided what they think about me. No matter how drastic I may change how I behave, I cannot change that person’s mind. In the same way, I’m sure that I have the same stubborn views about some people. I have asked myself the question, what is it that has to happen for my view of this relationship to change? When I can’t come up with an answer, I realize that it may just be my stubbornness or theirs that is standing in the way of a difference.
The point is, though, that relationships are suppose to be fun. They are suppose to be a way to connect and get to know another person. They shouldn’t be something that I use to fill something in my life, or to use to prove something to myself or others. I want to pattern my life and my connections the way Christ lived his life and connects to me. The connection is so simple. He expects nothing from me. I don’t have to earn his love or respect. He gives it freely, because it came from the Father.
I am not friends with you because I have to be or because I want to seem popular. I am friends with you because I want to connect with you on some level. Because I have the freedom to make that choice to have a relationship, I should give the same freedom to the other person. So instead of trying to convince you that I am worthy, I will focus on knowing I am worthy, I am valued in the eyes of God. And the lesson I am working on is to forget trying to prove myself, and focus more on accepting others where they stand.
On Labels...
So, I know it’s been a while since I last posted. Work is hectic, and I’ve written several fragmented thoughts. I want to be clear or at least understandable when I write, and well, that takes a while and several drafts since I have so much buzzing around in my head. It’s like a jig saw puzzle laid out in front of me. I like the challenge, but it still takes time.
When I left off, I was talking about removing the labels from myself. Making decisions not based on what I think is acceptable for the title I placed on myself, but instead simply guiding my choices by who I really am, whether that fits a mold or not. I think it’s been an interesting start, but I realized something else that is much harder to grasp, at least for me.
Another fact about me growing up was that I was (and admittedly still am) a know-it-all. I was stubborn, always thought I was right and that I always knew what was right for any situation. I could watch a person’s life and make detailed assumptions and suggestions as to how they could live their life better. Most of my closest friends would obligingly listen, knowing that I was telling them my hogwash out of love, but would live their lives how they pleased. It was very frustrating to watch them go against the very advice I carefully, and freely, gave.
Here’s the rub. I did not create my dearest friends (or my acquaintances for that matter). I have no idea, not even the slightest true hint, as to what their purpose on this earth actually is. In reality, I was placing them in boxes, pigeon-holing them into compartments with predetermined preferences. I was putting labels on them with the expectation that they would live up to my unspoken standards. If they did not, well, then they either didn’t want to be my friend or they had made a mistake which after my careful conversations could be fixed with a series of new choices I would make for them.
But if I don’t want labels and assumptions placed on me, then I have no right at all to assume or place labels on others. Again, the world does not revolve around me. I am not in charge of determining another person’s character or deciding how that person should act towards me. My responsibility lies in my own behavior and choices, and how I act towards other people.
Now this does not mean that I should isolate myself from interacting with other people, worrying only about my own self and not caring what other people do with their lives. I wholly believe that God uses other people to speak to me and vice versa. It’s just that before I was trying to control what God was trying to say, or who to say it to. It’s like Jonah, a man who labeled an entire nation as “bad” when God had a different plan in mind.
In reality, I think placing labels on other people not only limits the relationship, but it makes me unable to really get to know the other person. When I’m so focused on controlling and defining the relationship, trying to make it fit into one of my tiny boxes, trying to make sure they meet the accepted standards that are dictated in that particular relationship, I really miss out on the thing I feared I was missing out on in the first place – a real connection.
Embrace my Ordinary
When I was 6, I went through a bunch of tests that labeled me gifted and talented. That basically meant that once a week I went to a special class that allowed me to learn at an accelerated speed. It also meant that my “normal” teachers would give me lots of perks, like being late for class or not having to turn in my homework on time. I was the only girl in the program so I got a lot of attention. It was the life.
That is, until I switched schools in 5th grade. In my new school, I wasn’t the smartest girl in school anymore. All my classes were now accelerated, plus the extra class once a week. I had to catch up things that I missed learning from my old school, and my identity was shattered. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I moved a couple more times in my academic career. I hung out with just about every group on campus in high school. I had druggie friends, hippie friends, popular friends, athletic friends and nerdy friends. I never stayed in one spot for more than a year, always trying to find where I fit in, but I never could.
Then in college, I went down a very rebellious and dark path. By this point, you wouldn’t even be able to tell that I was ever considered gifted. I skipped classes and hung out with the most interesting people, but they also supported my poor choices. I decided my senior year that I was going to claw up from my bad reputation to be someone that my parents could be proud of, that I could feel proud of myself.
But it didn’t change. Whether I was a gifted 1st grader, a rebellious college student, or a good Christian wife, I was constantly trying to live up to a label. And what is worst, I was trying to be the best at whatever label I was trying to wear. I wasn’t just a wife, but I was the best wife. I was just a planner, but I was the best planner. I wasn’t just a Christian, but I was the best Christian.
I think that everyone likes recognition or at least appreciation. What if we never received a thank you? Would we still be doing the job that we are doing? What if we never received attention for the things we do? Would we still have the hobbies that we have? What if we never got what we wanted from a relationship? Would we still have that relationship? What if I stopped living by labels and stopped viewing people in labels? Would life be different?
This thought process was sparked by yesterday’s sermon. I am completely fascinated and excited to delve deeper into this topic. My mind goes to so many different twists and turns that I hope to explore in the coming weeks. If I don’t have to live up to the preconceived notions that others have for me, if I don’t have to worry about trying to prove I’m one label or another (no matter how good that label may be), what would I become? Who would I be?
Who would you be?
I am reopening the forums to start some serious discussion on labels and living in the eyes of God and not society. Unfortunately, the way that this site is set up, you have to become a member to participate. I think it’s because they want to prevent trolls from entering forums and protect the web peoples. Your information is not shared or displayed in any way, other than the area where you are from and possibly your age. I invite you to become a part of this forum. Plus, another perk to becoming a member is that whenever I update my site, I send an email blast letting you know it’s been updated!
The world doesn't revolve around me.
The sun doesn’t rise because I do. I don’t control it. And isn’t that such a blessing to not have that burden?
I find that when I try to control things, when I plan things out to the minute or hour, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. And I try to plan around the changes, but life throws too many curveballs to be prepared for everything. So then I tried to pretend to go along with the flow, tried to portray a still lake with a lot going on just below the surface. I wouldn’t go to anyone because I wanted to handle it. I don’t think it was to look like I had it all together so much as it was that I set a high bar for myself and desired to reach it.
Then I realized I was running towards the wrong goal, so I wasn’t reaching any goal. I was trying to do relationships my way. I expected people to behave a certain way with me because I deemed that “the norm.” I made out work plans and set heavy boundaries and limits on my day to accomplish what I thought needed to be done. Through research and study, I tried to plan and figure out the proper way to keep a house and home, how to be an excellent wife and friend and daughter and daughter-in-law. I just wanted to be what I perceived not necessarily as perfect but as normal.
Then I realized that God didn’t create me out of a cookie cutter. I was designed with a purpose and potential. I was given gifts and put in the lives around me for a reason. I was trying to organize and reorganize my life to fit into the definitions of others, when I wasn’t really listening to the one opinion that counted. God’s.
So, I quieted down. I became still. It didn’t answer all my problems, but it reminded me that God is bigger than any issue I face here on earth. God gives me what I can handle; I don’t need to add to the plate. God is in control of the relationships in my life. I don’t need to worry about analyzing every conversation and figuring out how to please that other person, but instead I need to exhibit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
I know that God calls me to love my husband and submit to him as he is the head of the household. I know that I should respect Michael and put him above all other relationships. I know that God called me to the work I do for the law firm. I know that the people that call me daily have so many more burdens, physically, emotionally, financially, than I do, and all they ask for is a few minutes to clear their head and gain some encouragement.
I truly believe that every day is set to bring you closer to your goal of heaven, that God has laid out a plan for you. I know that is true for me. And I know that the only way I can see that plan is to be still and listen. Granted, I will probably still have my planner and still know what I’m making for dinner, but I am trying daily to keep my eyes and ears and heart open for what God wants me to do today. I’m never perfect, and completely flawed at this, but I’m still trying. And I think that’s all He is asking, that we keep trying, keep running and never give up.
Ephesians 3:19-21 (New International Version)
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.
I have seen some awesome examples of power in my life in the last week. Wednesday, we were under tornado warnings. The powerful winds and rain were able to knock out the electricity for half of our apartment complex as well as several area neighborhoods. Luckily, we were exempt from the power outage until Saturday when they came to repair the fallen lines.
It’s then when we felt the absence of power. I learned something from this experience, though. Without the power, things were uncomfortable. We were inconvenienced and had to change our well thought-out plans. We were not in control. But in reality, when are we ever really in control? For some reason, I didn’t worry about it. That’s right, control freaky me wasn’t worried or agitated or even annoyed. I have no idea where I picked up this attitude, but it’s a testament that God is really, truly working on me, chipping away things that stand in the way of His glory. I’m not boasting that I acted perfect today, because I didn’t, but I had a sense of peace that God was still with us. He was going to take care of us, and did throughout the day.
I didn’t think I would get a hot shower, but our water heater held enough for two hot showers that morning. The day was sunny without a cloud in the sky, the kind of day you would want to spend outside anyway. We were able to afford a breakfast at Market Street. We walked around two malls, enjoying a Sonic drink to stay hydrated. We even ate at Outback Steakhouse for lunch (and got dessert…you know, to stay cool). By the time we returned home this evening, the power was back on and we were both excited. Even if the power stayed off, we live near a Walmart that we could stock up and also we had an offer to a borrowed generator if it was going to be off into the week. We know that we are truly blessed.
I guess this is what the Bible teacher means when we put our value and security in God instead of the world around us. Like I said, I am by NO means a perfect person, even when it comes to this, but I do see in this extremely small example what the teacher meant. When you let go and let God as the cliché goes, then you can focus on just enjoying the day as it comes. It is not worth it, and let me repeat, not worth it to spend hours focused on things we cannot change. I have been doing it for 25 years now. And it got me nowhere.
I worried about my appearance, my accomplishments, how people saw me, how I wanted them to see me, how I could please them so that they would like me. I worried about my job, being the right kind of wife, being the right kind of Christian, making sure every “t” was crossed and “i” was dotted. I spent so much time planning, preparing, worrying and analyzing that I didn’t enjoy the moment I was in. I didn’t enjoy food because I was so busy worrying about how fat I was. I didn’t enjoy exercise because I was so focused on the scale and the calories burned on the treadmill. I didn’t enjoy work because I was so worried about not finishing the checklist for the day. I didn’t enjoy my relationships because I was constantly analyzing what each word/status/message/facial expression/body language meant. I didn’t enjoy my life because I was constantly preparing for the next hour/day/week/month.
And since I made the decision to let go and stop competing in this world’s race for who is the best at whatever or who has the best of whatever, I find comfort and happiness in the little things. I can sit in a stale lukewarm home and spend time throwing a toy with my dog. I can roll down the windows in a hot car and feel the difference a breeze makes. It’s not just being optimistic. It’s so hard to explain or describe, but it’s an incredible gift. I guess the lesson I learned was how to have peace in a crazy situation. And I hope I remember this lesson the next time something crazy happens and I don’t have the false control that I think I have.
All in all, it’s not through the power of electricity, or my own power of control that I find my peace but through the power of God.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
In my first weeks of being quiet and slowing down, I realize that a lot of the things that would get me hyped up, things that my past hang ups would determine worthy to analyze, just didn't rile me up like they used to. What was it that had changed? It wasn't as if my emotions were different. I still felt at times sadness, frustration, giddiness and embarrassment, but instead of getting wrapped up in these emotions for hours and days at a time, I would feel them for the moment and then move on to the next experience.
Slowing down has definitely pulled me into the moment. It has allowed me to prioritize the things in my life that truly matter. I took pride in being busy, not even realizing that the busyness was nothing more than spinning wheels in the mud. I felt pressure to always be on top of things, always have things together and be doing something exciting all the time, and yet, it is just as wonderful to be still and spend an evening relaxing, reading a book or cross stitching. I don't mind that my life is boring to the outside eye. Some days, we might do something fun, and others I might just sit at home, but it's being at peace and finding joy in anything that I do that makes the day really count.
It's just that lately, I haven't felt the need to sit and analyze a situation. I realize that the day has enough in it to do than to spend most of it brewing over one subject. There is no sense brooding over spilled milk. You clean it up, pour another glass and cut yourself a piece of brownie to go with it. I used to think, "I'm hurt. Why am I hurt? Why did they hurt me? Did I hurt them? Should I retaliate? What are the many ways I could retaliate? Should I ignore it? Should I talk about it?" Then I would talk about it to close friends, decide the best course of action and reason that there was nothing that I did wrong and how horrible it was that I was victimized in this way.
It's different now. Now I think, "I'm hurt. I didn't think it was nice that they did that, but it's their decision to act that way. Is it something worth bringing up to the other person or should I just let it go?" If it's not worth bringing up, then I move on to the next subject. I don't worry if I have hurt them unless they come to me about it. I don't try to figure out their motives because they are not me and I am not them. I cannot possibly get into their mind completely and understand every motive and objective. And I don't try to give advice on other people's lives anymore, unless they specifically ask. And even if they do ask, if I don't know, then I say, I don't know.
These things aren't original thoughts. It's just a "duh" moment for me that has brought me release. I can be honest about my feelings with myself and others. I just wanted to share with you what I am learning on this new journey this summer.
Have a great week.
I have had a sort of writer's block the past couple of weeks. This is partially due to the end of the quarter projects I was doing at church. Also, I have had this desire to make some changes in my life. I realized after a one week facebook fast that I was self-promoting to the point that it was annoying me. Pictures that I was taking served no purpose other than to "prove" that I was happy and content. I mean, I'm happy and content, but why do I have to have 25 pictures of kissing my husband to prove that?
So the first change I made was getting back into a running routine. There is just something about running that is addictive. For the 15-20 minutes that I run at lunch, my mind clears out to the steady rhythm of my feet and I don't have to think about anything at all. It's easier to get back into the routine than it was starting it last year. But I already feel better.
The second change I did was to slow down. I am taking a break on summer involvement at the church and focusing on my relationship with God and my husband. I'm also working on all those projects that I haven't seemed to have time for the last five months, and pursuing other interests that I have only dreamed about pursuing. I'm going to start fulfilling those dreams.
And finally, I am learning how to stop talking as much. I started to take the time to listen to other people without always needing to put my two cents into the conversation. Sometimes I was successful, but most times....well, I'm still working on it. I find that I have less regret when I listen instead of bulldoze the conversation.
I have to be honest. I still have the tendency to get caught up with what other people think about me or who I think I need to be to please others. But it's a very unhappy existance to not be myself and wonder if these people would like me for who I really am. So, here goes nothing..or everything. I'm excited to what the summer will bring me and what new adventures I will find, but this time I'm going to do it for me, not for the faceless masses of the internet or the not so faceless masses of Facebook.
First step is easy. It's step 17 and three quarters that will get interesting...
